Gender-non-conforming Children in Primary
RaisingMyRainbow.com/educators/
by Marci McPhee
Welcome to the third of three posts about children and LGBTQ folks:
Loving gender-creative children in Primary (this post)
Download the full PDF here (6 pages).
Same-sex attraction occurs in 2-10% of all humans across culture and time (see Chapter 3 of GayLDSCrossroads). In a ward of 200 adults, that’s about 4-20 people, and in a Primary of 50, that’s 1-5 children. LGBTQ folks are part of God’s creation and part of His plan. Same-sex attraction is not a choice but is inborn (agreed by science & The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints – also Chapter 3).
Many LGBTQ adults realized they were gender nonconforming in Primary years (ages 3-11), and so did many of their parents. Tom Christofferson, brother of apostle D. Todd Christofferson, wrote, “I guess I have always known [I was gay] too, or at least from about age five, when I didn’t have language to describe it. What I did have was a profound sense that I was different from my four older brothers in an important but not-to-be-talked-about-way” (That We May Be One: A Gay Mormon’s Perspective on Faith and Family, 3).
The church teaches, “For some, [gender nonconformity] is a complex reality and part of the human experience.” https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/same-sex-attraction?lang=eng. The church also teaches, “The parent of a [gender nonconforming] child should choose to love and embrace that child. As a community of Church members, we should choose to create a welcoming community.” https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/topics/gay/family-and-friends?lang=eng
The phrase “home-centered, church supported” takes on even more meaning in this context. It’s the parent’s job to decide how to raise their child; it’s the church’s job to support them – not question the parents, argue with them, correct them or instruct them. Just support and love them – the parents and especially the child.
It’s also important to remember that children may have no knowledge of what it means to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or intersex – and they may not need to know in the Primary years. Children are just living their best lives, being themselves. All the rest will likely sort itself out in time.
Making safe spaces for gender nonconforming children benefits ALL children, as each child feels valued and accepted for who they are, no matter what.
So how can Primary leaders and teachers make Primary a safer space for gender nonconforming children? Below are Tips for Educators from Raising My Rainbow, by Lori Duron, lightly edited to fit Primary. Here’s more about Lori, her two sons, and her book:
Lori Duron is the author of Raising My Rainbow: Adventures in Raising a Fabulous, Gender Creative Son (Random House, September 2013). The first parenting memoir to chronicle the journey of raising a gender nonconforming child, the book is based on her blog of the same name. Whereas her older son Chase is a Lego-loving, sports-playing boy’s boy, her youngest son C.J. floats on the gender variation spectrum from super-macho-masculine on the left all the way to super-girly-feminine on the right. He’s not all pink and not all blue. He’s a muddled mess or a rainbow creation. Lori and her family choose to see the rainbow. RaisingMyRainbow.com has more than one million readers in 173 countries, including gender studies students and faculty at more than 50 college and universities in the U.S., Canada and the U.K.
Tips for Educators from Raising My Rainbow, by Lori Duron
No matter the age, if you teach, you will teach lesbian, gay, bisexual, questioning (LGBTQ) and gender nonconforming children. More than three percent of the population identifies as LGBTQ. That means that if there are 30 students in a class, at least one of them is [likely an] LGBTQ [person].
Educators have the unique opportunity to change stereotypes, address social injustices, decrease bullying, and increase empathy and acceptance. Please plan your teaching and classroom accordingly. Consider implementing these tips in an age-appropriate manner:
1. Emphasize that the members of the class are a community and every child is needed, special, unique, valued and has something different to offer the community. If everybody were exactly the same, the community would be boring.
2. Ensure that every child in the classroom feels safe and included. Let children know that they should be working to make others feel safe and included, as well. It’s not just the teacher’s job, it’s everybody’s job.
3. Teach children about empathy. Educators don’t have to provide in-depth lessons on gender, sex, and sexuality, but they do have a responsibility to teach children about empathy, kindness and acceptance. Children need to be taught how to work, play and get along with all kinds of people.
4. Create a tolerant, inclusive and accepting environment that teaches children to recognize and resist stereotypes.
5. Explain to children that everyone has their own style and that people are allowed to dress and wear their hair any way they want. Everyone gets to pick their own style. If you like someone’s style, tell them. Compliments should be shared, criticisms should not.
6. Make your classroom a place where all children are free to learn and play without the strict confines of stereotypes. All colors, games, activities and toys can be enjoyed by everyone. Nothing is “just for boys” or “just for girls.”
7. Resist the urge to use gender to divide students into lines, groups or teams. That makes some students feel uncomfortable and distracts them. And, it’s hard to teach a child when she or he is distracted or uncomfortable. Try something new. [Marci suggests dividing by shoe color or hair length. Michelle Henderson suggests taking a poll: do you prefer cats or dogs? vanilla ice cream or chocolate? Or teachers can assign semi-permanent groups such as the purple group/red group, or giraffes/rhinos, or brontosauruses/pterodactyls. Change up the group names as needed.]
8. [Work to] eliminate gender when addressing children. Instead, address them using gender neutral terms like friends, class, children, people, human beings, etc. [Marci adds: Getting into this new habit takes time. Don’t worry, just keep improving.]
9. Teach students about how to stand up for themselves and others, to resist bullying and to work together. Empower children to be allies.
10. View parents of LGBTQ and gender nonconforming children as resources and teammates, not high-maintenance liabilities. It’s not two teams against each other; it’s one team in favor of the child. Also, realize that sometimes bullies aren’t just at school, sometimes they are at home. If you see a child in distress, help them.
Finally, we’ll let the music have the last word, to keep you humming:
“Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too” (Children’s Songbook, 61).
“If you don’t walk as most people do,
Some people walk away from you,
But I won’t! I won’t! . . .
I’ll walk with you. I’ll talk with you.
That’s how I’ll show my love for you.
Jesus walked away from none.
He gave his love to ev’ryone.
So I will! I will!”
Words: Carol Lynn Pearson (Children’s Songbook, 139).
As always, it comes down to loving as Jesus loved.
-Marci
Download the full PDF of all three posts about children and LGBTQ topics here (6 pages).
P.S. For more information on what to say and what not to say to families with a gender nonconforming family member, see “What words are hurtful vs. helpful to LGBTQ people and their families? from the free book GayLDSCrossroads, which I had the honor of editing.
For specific ideas about how to make Primary safe for everyone, see Bullying: Having Difficult Conversations with Parents as well as Bullying in Primary.