Blaire Ostler: “Loving you seemed more important than agreeing with you”

With permission, we share this excerpt from the story of a bisexual woman in a mixed-orientation marriage. While every situation is different, I think almost everyone could benefit from hearing about how to be more loving towards others, whether or not they agree. Read the full story from Blaire Ostler here.

One of my FB pals asked me, “I see you and your marriage with your husband and think how great it must be to be that open about your ‘queer-ness’. My question is, how did you start that conversation? How would someone tell their spouse they want to continue being married, but they are queer?”

I first want to clarify I don’t feel qualified to offer anyone relationship advice. I’m not a relationship expert by any means. All I can do is share my experience of what worked and didn’t work for me and [my husband] Drew. This may or may not be consistent with another’s experience. 

Drew and I started off on a slightly different foot than most Mormon couples. Though we were young, I was 19 and he was 23, we began our relationship addressing taboo topics almost out of necessity. In the first year of our marriage I told him I was attracted to other women. It was quite casual. A beautiful woman walked by and we both commented on how attractive she was. It wasn’t anything gross or objectifying, it was almost matter of fact. 

For years, me being attracted to other women wasn’t a big deal for either of us. It was just there—something we both knew but didn’t feel the need to talk about. There was no shame or celebration. It simply was. That is until Prop 8 happened. Drew’s position on Prop 8 was rooted in his loyalty to the Church. The Church took a position, so he took that position. However, I did not share the Church’s position.

It eventually reached a point where we could no longer discuss homosexuality with one another. We both knew our marriage wouldn’t survive it. Accepting me as bisexual—as “one of them”—was out of the question. That discussion would have to wait a few years.

Years went by with little conversation about homosexuality. It came up here and there. We casually discussed it from time to time, but we stopped aggressively trying to convert each other. Forcibly trying to change the other person only led to more heartache. Instead, we focused on loving each other.

[Finally] every conversation we had over the last decade merged into a single moment of clarity for him. He continued with remorse in his tone, “Why did you stay married to me? All the things I’ve said to you. After all these years, why?”

I paused, holding back the tears, “Loving you seemed more important than agreeing with you.”

To answer the original question, “How would someone tell their spouse they want to continue being married, but they are queer?” Well, if you’re anything like us, you won’t just tell them once. You’ll tell them many times, in many ways, over many years, until someday they believe you. I can’t say what is right for all couples, but I will say the effort was worth it for us. One of the things I like most about being bisexual is how it’s affected my marriage. There have certainly been ups and downs in the process, but overall I would say being bi has been beneficial to our relationship and helped open the doors of intimacy.

*Published at Latter-gay Stories on Sunday, September 15, 2019.