Congregation roulette Part I: How did New Canaan Ward do it?
Photo by adrianna geo on Unsplash
We previously published “Leadership roulette: hidden blessings, obvious cursings.” Not every congregation is affirming like Tom Christofferson’s New Canaan Connecticut Ward. How did they do it? What can I learn from them so I can build a more accepting congregation, whether I identify as LGBTQ or an advocate?
Here’s Tom’s explanation of how he won at congregation roulette:
“I think one important factor was that the ward was actively engaged in a missionary effort, and thus was attuned to identifying new faces, greeting those they didn’t know, and actively reaching out in friendship. Sadly, another component was that there were some heartbreaking divorces occuring, and from that experience ward members made a conscious effort to avoid gossip and judgment.
Many ward members knew my partner — Bishop Larson once said that our meetings always started late when my partner joined me because so many members of the ward rushed over to greet him. So for the first five years I attended, they might have correctly surmised that there were aspects of my life wherein I was not living all commandments, and yet I never had a feeling that anyone there viewed me with anything other than love.
The wonderful Saints who made place in their hearts and on their pews year after year never demanded that my progress . . . be visible to them. They simply made space. They provided a warm handshake or a sincere smile. They trusted that the Spirit would guide me in my journey, as He was likewise doing for them. I believe they were fulfilling a divine mandate in doing so.
When we welcome others to a chapel, we are fulfilling the individual and inward covenants we have made at baptism to take upon ourselves the name of Jesus Christ. . . and to “bear one another’s burdens” (Mosiah 18:8). . . . Only by loving as He loves, by willingly forsaking judgments and foregoing condemnation and criticism of others, can we become His disciples and eventually His friends (see D&C 84:77). (Tom Christofferson, That We May Be One, 100, 109-110).
Other factors were beyond the control of the members, such as geography. Being a suburb of NYC, the New Canaan Ward had many members who had already built professional and personal relationships of trust and acceptance with LGBTQ people. But the factors listed above are within members’ control, and provide valuable insights on how we all can improve.
And even when it comes to doctrinal matters, which generally seem to fall outside the control of the members of local congregations, I wonder how much a simple recognition made over the pulpit by a local leader or ward member in a talk or testimony about how much we don’t actually know regarding eternal relationships might also help LGBTQ members feel more accepted. Perhaps that is a way to accomplish on a local level what Evan describes in his book that the church could do to improve the situation:
“[A]n increased willingness by the church to allow ambiguity about heaven helps LGBTQ church members maintain optimism and good mental health in this life, as they place the burden on God to reconcile how He created them with what He has in store for them in eternity.” (https://www.gayldscrossroads.org/chapter-7)
Making a a conscious effort to avoid gossip and judgment? Engaged in missionary work and welcoming new faces? Never demanding that anyone’s progress be visible, but simply providing a warm handshake or a sincere smile? Acknowledging that there are more things we don’t know about eternal relationships than there are that we do know? Any congregation can try to do those things.
Here’s to a brighter day, when congregation roulette turns up a winner every time.
-Marci & Evan