5-question Interview with Valerie Green, a transgender woman

We are pleased to interview Valerie Green, co-founder & co-chair of Emmaus LGBTQ Ministry. She is a transgender woman who is active in her ward of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Missouri. Before transitioning, she was married for 34 years and is now widowed. She is the father to five children and grandfather to six grandchildren. After five decades of waiting, she has been fully socially transitioned since January 1, 2019. Listen to more of Valerie’s story at Latter-Gay Stories Podcast, Richard Ostler's Listen, Learn and Love Podcast, or follow her on Facebook (Valerie Nicole Green) or Instagram (@Valerie_Rising).

Q1: Valerie, thank you for taking the time with us. You’re living a rich and full life with many plot twists. Five questions aren’t near enough to explore it all, but is there something you would like to share about a particular life lesson that you treasure?

Living life authentically, even with the difficulties that may introduce, is SO MUCH better than living a life behind a façade you create. We create those facades for many reasons. This is nothing unique to LGBTQIA+ individuals. It may be how we act at church, at social events, at work, with friends, with family, or even with ourselves. In these cases, we are often trying to put forth our best self. We don't want anyone to see or hear our flaws or our fears. We are afraid to be vulnerable. But this means that those around us never really know us.

In some cases, especially in mine, we create façades for our own safety. I lived behind the façade of being a boy or a man to keep myself physically, socially, economically, emotionally, and mentally safe. There were costs and I'm fortunate that mine were small. Not so for many others. Once I finally let that go and let the world know who I am, my life became so much better. From transitioning I learned another important lesson: you won't understand how unhappy you were until you become truly happy.

But I need to emphasize that I have been lucky. So many other people have paid a dear price for coming out and/or transitioning. So I always emphasize that coming out and/or transitioning should be done in a way that keeps you as safe as possible. That's not always possible. Some people need to come out and/or transition even though they are still in unsafe conditions. As a society, we need to eliminate those unsafe conditions.

Q2: It is particularly interesting that you remain active in the church even though when you first transitioned, you were asked to not attend either Relief Society or priesthood meeting. Is that still true? How did you find it within yourself to accept that with such grace? Do you think all LGBTQ church members should stay active in the church?

Of all my membership restrictions, being restricted from Relief Society was the most painful. We often hear talk about "othering" people. This was the most "othered" I'd ever been. I think it's well known that many women in the church feel like second class citizens in our clearly patriarchal church. I'm learning more about that every day. This restriction left me feeling one, maybe two, rungs lower.

I know of no other group of people who are denied access to both of these meetings. A dear friend of mine, when we were discussing this, commented that she had never in her life gone into a church building or meeting wondering whether she would be welcome to attend, much less allowed to attend. It was really eye opening for her.

My RS President was an absolute ally. So many sisters in our ward wanted me to be allowed to attend. None understood why I could not attend Relief Society with them. If anyone in our ward had a different opinion, I never heard about it.

How did I accept it? I knew this was going to be a restriction before I ever talked to my local leaders. I was determined to remain true to my core faith, despite policies of the institutional church. Most of the restrictions I expected and received are policies, though some of them are masquerading as doctrine. I had to be faithful to myself as well. That meant stepping into an intersectional space that few occupy and I knew I had to do it with love and grace. I may be the first in my ward, stake, or area to openly transition (especially late in life). I have to do what I can to make it better for the next transgender person. It was a conscious decision to abide by then-current policy while being completely open, in order to achieve that goal.

This particular restriction is no longer in place for me. When the new church handbook was released in February 2020, there was finally a policy codified and articulated for transgender member participation. One section says "All [transgender members] are welcome to attend sacrament meeting, other Sunday meetings, and social events of the Church." My RS President found this even before I did. Within hours of the handbook's release, she contacted me to let me know that she had already contacted the Bishop asking that I finally be allowed to attend RS in keeping with this policy. Roughly three days later, on a Saturday evening, I received a phone call from my Bishop formally inviting me to participate in Relief Society. I was in that meeting the very next day. It felt so natural and, at the same time, so wonderful to be there. Some of the sisters may have been happier than I was, but I doubt it.

That doesn't mean all is well. There are still doubts. We had a Stake RS function coming up. I felt the need to contact my Stake President and ask whether this invitation was only for ward level participation or if it extended to stake level activity as well. He assured me that this was a blanket invitation. That's great, within his stewardship. I still don't know what will happen if/when I attend RS in another stake, perhaps when visiting my children. I'll walk in like I belong there (because I do) and trust that both congregants and leadership in that ward will be similarly enlightened.

But I'm sad to report that many other transgender members who are trying to remain active are still denied access to both Priesthood and Relief Society meetings. It's definitely a game of leadership roulette. I think all would benefit from a more precisely worded policy and specific direction to local leaders to abide by these policies. The current policy still contains a loophole ("circumstances vary greatly from unit to unit and person to person") that too many leaders put to use.

I think church should be transformed into a welcoming place for all LGBTQIA+ members. Currently, in many places, it is not. For those community members who do have a testimony of the gospel and of the core doctrines, I would love to see them maintain some type of faith practice. I cannot say that all should remain members of the church. That is a decision that only they can make based upon their personal experience and the environment in which they find themselves. Part of the work of the Emmaus LGBTQ Ministry (more on that later) is to make the environment more welcoming. I will honor anyone's journey whether it takes them into or out of the institutional church.

Q3: In some ways you have been a trailblazer, charting your own path. Do you have a real-life hero/mentor – someone who inspires you and has shaped your thinking?

Like every other transgender member, I started out thinking I was the only one. I'm not one to look to others as mentors or heroes, but I can point to some pivotal moments and the people centered in those moments.

When I was 10 or 11, I encountered a story about Dr. Renee Richards, the first and only transgender professional player on the women's tennis tour. Reading her story was how I learned that social and physical (surgical) transition was possible. That knowledge put me on a 40+ year journey that culminated in my surgical transition in September of 2020, about two years after my social transition. Dr. Richards’ life is not a model for mine, but I'm grateful for what I learned from her story. I do now play on multiple USTA women's tennis teams and in other women's leagues. I love my teammates. They've been totally welcoming, inclusive, and supportive.

The media and social splashes created by Ellen DeGeneres, Laverne Cox, Caitlyn Jenner, and Chaz Bono are significant to me because they changed public perception and made me feel so much safer in making my decision to come out and transition. There are so many more, but I encountered each of these stories at important times in my life.

There are so many transgender members who transitioned long before I did. Few remained in the church. Some were publicly sent packing, whether formally via excommunication or informally via social pressures. But each one one bravely moved along in their journey in a much more hostile environment than I encountered. I honor their journeys wherever it led them. I'm only concerned that they are finding happiness.

I have one link that I share often. It's to a comic created by another woman. I love her for creating it, for her talent, for the message it shares, and for how it captures so much that parallels my own life. She qualifies as a hero for me. And this leads directly into the next question.

Q4: What would you say to your teenage self?

I'm going to lead with a link, the one I mentioned previously. I always share it with this warning: be in a place where you can cry. Reading this triggered my first ever full-on, snot-nosed, ugly cry that I just couldn't stop. I've had messages from still closeted transgender people who did not heed that warning. Some report that they didn't listen and they were in a bathroom stall at work trying to put themselves back together. I get weepy just thinking about it and can rarely describe it in person without choking up. It's by Samantha Richardson and I find it immensely powerful. http://allosaurusfragilis.tumblr.com/post/176976406631

My teenage self was often arrogant. I'm going to switch my pronouns for a few minutes. He was smart, intelligent, arrogant (which he called confident), and a nerd who never fit in. He constantly carved his own space and befriended the other nerdy misfits. At the same time, he desperately wanted to fit in... but not with the other boys. At that time and in that place, it was easier to just be strange than to be real, honest, and vulnerable. This is why he was open to things like being the first male varsity cheerleader the school has ever had. I did that my senior year. I've written about it on my blog at https://medium.com/@valerienicolegreen/lessons-cheerleading-experience-e6f7a49b4dfd I learned so much from that experience.

I guess I'd tell my teenage self to stop trying so hard to be something you're not. Let go of the shame and guilt. Be real and open and vulnerable. Stop hiding behind logic and reason because you know you're using it as a mask. You can still be all the positive things, but stop hiding the rest of you.

Q5: Future plans, dreams?

I'm not a big planner. I'll be 57 this year. I'm widowed. My youngest son, age 24, fourth of five children, moved out just weeks ago to start his new job and embark on his independent adult life. My oldest son/child, 37, is moving out in a couple of months. All the other kids have been gone for a while. I'm widowed for almost five years. For the first time in my life I will live completely alone. This will be a new experience. For the first time ever I'll know that if I put something down it will stay there... right where I put it. If it moves, I'll know I did it. I'm going to revel in this for just a little while.

I'll have a big empty house. I've lived here with my immediate family of seven and often had extended family here, upwards of twelve total, for over 20 years.

I've thought about opening my home as transitional housing for transgender young adults who may not have family they can turn to but need a place where they can start to build their lives. I don't know if or when I'll be ready for that.

I've also thought about selling and finding something smaller, something without a yard and much more up-to-date. There are luxuries I'd like to enjoy that I've never been able to afford while raising a family.

For the bigger picture, I will continue my work with the Emmaus LGBT Ministry. That's an organization, really more of a network, that seeks to help others create safe spaces within local congregations, working with local leaders and honoring their stewardship, for LGBTQIA+ members who wish to remain affiliated with the church. A space that is radically inclusive, promoting spiritual growth and pastoral care for these members and their families and allies, that is free from judgmental messages and attitudes. Gospel and Christ centered, hopeful for change within the church but not demanding it. I was invited to be the third cofounding board member in early 2020. In the grand scheme of things, we're just getting started.

And maybe, someday, finding a new companion. I'm not in a hurry and not seeking anything now. I was married for 34 years and I'm enjoying being single for now. But one never knows. Someone recently tried to do a little matchmaking for me and it seriously freaked me out. Definitely not ready.

I will definitely remain visible and an advocate (though sometimes flawed) for all LGBTQIA+ people, especially those in the church. I'm an out and openly transgender woman. My path has been relatively smooth. I was able to transition without loss of family, friends, employment, housing, or church community. I try to use the energy I didn't have to expend for my own survival to help others who do not have the same relatively fortunate circumstances.

As for a dream? I hope that the day comes when there will be no need for this advocacy and when all members are invited to full inclusion in the church without having to be alone or hide who they are.
--
Valerie Green
Pronouns: she/her/hers

Listen to more of Valerie’s story at Latter-Gay Stories Podcast, Richard Ostler's Listen, Learn and Love Podcast, or follow her on Facebook (Valerie Nicole Green) or Instagram (@Valerie_Rising).

Also see Imagine: Lifelong carsickness (being transgender, before transitioning), with guest authors are Neca Allgood, an active Latter-day Saint, and her transgender son Grayson, on this blog right here.