“What can we do to help LGBTQ individuals feel comfortable at church?” excerpts from Affirmation Conference 2021
Previously we shared an insight from the Church leaders session at the Affirmation Conference 2021 (free registration). The snippet we shared from that session is titled “What’s age-appropriate? How to teach children about LGBTQ.”
Here’s another impactful excerpt, starting at 1:31:00:
Q: “What can we do to help LGBTQ individuals feel comfortable at church?”
A: Rebecca Solen (Affirmation vice-president, a trans woman):
Invite us without ulterior motives. If your only goal to get us into church is to attempt to change us, your invitation is going to fall flat. You can't insist that we're welcome to attend but only on your terms: “Feel free to join us but only if your presentation confirms our preconceived notions of who you are. We would love to have you here but only the you that we tell you is you.” That hurts.
Associate with us. Elder Ballard that said that the church needs to listen to and understand what the LGBTQ community is feeling and experiencing. I completely agree. To me it feels like the church wants to learn more about the LGBTQ community without learning it directly from the LGBTQ community. I really wish there was more reaching out to us to really understand who we are and the way we see things.
When we tell you our name and pronouns, please use them. If you goof up, just quickly correct yourself and move on. Don't make it a big deal; don't call additional attention to it. Whenever someone else goofs, correct them and move on. It's a simple conscious act but it shows personal respect. It shows that you're serious about welcoming us. If you're not willing to do this, I'm certain we won't be back.
Stop saying that LGBTQ people will be fixed in the resurrection. It's not the comfort you think it is. I don't know why I’m trans and I would venture to say that most if not all of us don't know why we're LGBTQ. It's not a lifestyle; we're not going to shed it for something else when the mood strikes; it's not a choice. I can't stop being me any more than any of you can. So please just stop it. When you use verbiage like this, it becomes plainly obvious that you don't accept us for who we are and that you see us as someone that requires fixing.”
Evan Smith (father of a gay son): “Something I had to do when I was a bishop is learn the church's current position. Whether you’re a member or a leader, if you have an LGBTQ member that comes to you, and you think you know the Church's position but you're really not sure, just stop. Don't say anything. Just tell them you love them and go figure it out. The Church does not teach any more that being LGBTQ is a choice. Elder Ballard has clearly said (and it's on the Church's website) that same-sex attraction is not a choice. The Church no longer recommends that gay and lesbian members enter into mixed orientation marriages. A lot of things have changed over the years from what Church leaders used to say. Brush up on the latest.”
Rebecca: “Don't sit idly by when you hear someone espousing anti-LGBTQ rhetoric. I cannot emphasize this enough. It is not enough to abstain from participating in such things. Real love involves standing up for us. We don't want to be tolerated; we want to be loved. That means defending us to your family, your friends, and your congregations, including when you're not in the presence of LGBTQ people. It's so important to know that we have people standing up for us, even if we're not present. It's a big deal. Quiet allies might come up to me or my friends afterwards. While that may be nice of them, why didn't anyone say anything in the moment? As much as we appreciate these personal quiet consolations afterwards, what we need from people is to confront the rhetoric head-on. That really sends a strong signal to not just the person giving it but to everyone else in the presence of this rhetoric that it is not okay.”
Bobbie Lee-Corry (queer and agender): “The sooner you speak up against injustice the better. It's never a comfortable time to speak up, but you’ve got to do it if you're going to call yourself an ally.”
Nathan Kitchen (in the chat): “One of the biggest rejecting behaviors towards LGBTQ members who come to church is for church leaders to invite us to divorce our spouses in order to be in good standing. This is a harmful ask.”
Evan: “In my opinion, an ally is someone who is listening to LGBTQ people and finding out how they can help them, not doing whatever we think is best for LGBTQ people. You're not an ally if you're pushing your will on someone else; you're an ally to someone if you're listening to them and helping them feel like they're supported. The first thing that an ally can do to help make space for LGBTQIA+ people in our local areas is to talk to them. Find out who they are. If you don't have any in your area, I guarantee they are there; they may just not feel comfortable coming out yet. So send signals that you are safe. Wear something to church with a rainbow or do something else that shows that you're safe.”
From the Church leaders session of the Affirmation International Conference. "Discussing Pastoral Care, Support, and Inclusion for LGBTQIA+ Individuals and Their Families" Panelists Evan Smith | Kate Mower | Carson Perez | Rebecca Solen | Bobbie Lee-Corry
Watch it here (free registration). #affirmation
Read more about how to help LGBTQ folks feel comfortable at church:
Congregation roulette Part I: How did New Canaan Ward do it?
Congregation roulette Part II: What’s that evangelical church got?
Leadership roulette: hidden blessings, obvious cursings
My First Affirmation Conference: thoughts on Church Leaders session 2020
Photo by Angela Compagnone on Unsplash