Teaching Children (in the Home) about LGBTQ Children of God
Photo by Taylor Heery on Unsplash
Welcome to the first of three posts about children and LGBTQ folks:
Teaching Children (in the Home) about LGBTQ Children of God (this post)
Download the full PDF here (6 pages), or watch for the other posts coming in the next several weeks.
The thoughts below are intended to be used in the home to teach Primary-aged children the basics about our siblings who are LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, or Queer/Questioning).
Same-sex attraction occurs in 2-10% of all humans across culture and time (see Chapter 3 of GayLDSCrossroads). In a ward of 200 adults, that’s about 4-20 people, and in a Primary of 50, that’s 1-5 children. LGBTQ folks are part of God’s creation and part of His plan. Same-sex attraction is not a choice but is inborn (agreed by science & The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints – also Chapter 3).
Life is complex and it can be tempting to avoid some topics as you raise your children. But kids need straight facts, and they want to learn from their parents. “I promise kids are talking about this [LGBTQ subjects] already. A lot. If adults don’t get involved in the conversation, our kids end up hearing, at best, a mix of helpful and harmful information with huge doses of falsehood and surrounded by the sense that the whole thing is shameful,” said Matt Robertson (Listen, Learn and Love by Richard Ostler, [Cedar Fort Press, 2020], 71).
As with all conversations about sexuality and human intimacy, stay calm. You’ve got this. A quick prayer for God’s inspiration always helps. Children pick up on parents’ nonverbal cues, and may avoid talking about things that appear to make the parents upset or anxious.
Don’t dodge questions. If you’re in the middle of the grocery store when a question comes up that can’t be answered right that minute, say “Let’s talk about that tonight, OK?” and then do it. It’s also ok to say “I’m not sure about that. Let me think about it” or “I’ll find out.”
Start by listening and clarifying, to make sure you understand what they’re asking. You’ve probably heard the story about the child who asks where she came from, and got the double-barreled detailed biological explanation of conception and birth. The child said, “Oh. Liza says she’s from Amarillo.”
Then you can prayerfully answer a child’s question or give them the bit of information they need, then see if they pursue the topic with more questions or comments. If not, you can drop the subject for the moment. “A child’s own pace is usually the best indicator of how and when to proceed,” says A Parent’s Guide (published by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints [1985], 29). “Precept must be upon precept . . . line upon line; here a little, and there a little” (Isaiah 28:10). Family Home Evening Resource Book adds, “If a child holds out his small cup of inquiry, we should not try to pour an ocean of explanation into it” (“Teaching about Procreation and Chastity,” Family Home Evening Resource Book, 1983). Children need consistent reinforcement through multiple conversations over several years, each time teaching principles they are ready to learn.
For example, Mike Ramsey reported this conversation in the book My Dad’s a Muslim, My Mom’s a Lesbian, and I’m a Latter-day Saint: “Recently, my nine-year-old son asked me what it meant to be gay. He said he heard the word at school because of how he crossed his legs. I told him it’s when boys like boys, and girls like girls. He immediately piped up, ‘Like Nana and Nina?’ I said yes and explained that . . . we need to love everyone even if they are different from how we are. I don’t know what the future holds, but it’s like the upcoming generations are born with more tolerance, empathy, and understanding than the previous. Maybe his will be the generation that finds a way for religion and homosexuality to create a beautiful common ground that all can be comfortable with” (Mike Ramsey, My Dad’s a Muslim, My Mom’s a Lesbian, and I’m a Latter-day Saint [Cedar Fort Press, 2020], pages 120-121).
“Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too,” says the beloved Primary song (Children’s Songbook, 61). President Dallin H. Oaks said, “What is changing – and what needs to change – is to help church members respond sensitively and thoughtfully when they encounter same-sex attraction in their own families, among other church members, or elsewhere” (“Love One Another: A Discussion on Same-Sex Attraction,” October 25, 2016).
Here are a few key ideas that all children need to know, in age-appropriate ways:
1. Each child of God is created wonderfully, with different gifts, talents, strengths and creativity. Our world needs the contribution of each and every person in it, bringing their authentic, real selves. If everyone were exactly the same, the world would be boring.
2. Same-sex attraction occurs in 2-10% of all humans across culture and time. It is also widespread at around the same rate in the animal kingdom, occurring in every major animal group (see GayLDSCrossroads, Chapter 3). LGBTQ beings are part of God’s creation and part of His plan.
3. Same-sex attraction is not a choice but is inborn (agreed by science and The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: see GayLDSCrossroads, Chapter 3).
4. Consider this explanation of LGBTQ in kids’ terms: as they get older, all people are attracted to men, women, both or neither. As noted above, you may want to simply state that in a matter-of-fact way, and see if the child wants more specific information. If they do, then you can break it down in response to the child’s specific question: i.e. being attracted to both is called bisexual; being attracted to neither is called asexual, etc. Trans means when someone feels like a girl in a boy’s body, or a boy in a girl’s body. That person may decide to “transition,” or start living the life that matches how they feel inside.
5. If a child asks, “which am I? How will I know?” you might respond that these feelings will naturally grow as they continue to get older, and they will discover the answer for themselves in time. It’s nothing they have to choose or decide (see #3 above). “You are what you are, and I love you just as you are!”
6. Talk frankly and non-judgmentally with children about people in their lives who are LGBTQ. It's important to kids' worldview; it's real life and we want to be supportive of all the people in our lives. Children need to know how to get along with all kinds of people (“at home, at school, at play”), with empathy, kindness and acceptance.
7. Love is a beautiful feeling, regardless of the genders. Love is love.
8. In age-appropriate ways, it’s OK to begin to share your feelings about LGBTQ church teachings and history, whether wholehearted support, outright rejection, or anything in between. With age and maturity, children will understand your perspective more, just as they will be better able to develop more nuanced thinking on all sorts of church and world issues.
Thinking of children as our mini-investigators, this story from Richard Ostler is particularly insightful. This happened around November 2015, when the exclusion policy was announced (later reversed in April 2019). Richard said, “During this time, I was informally teaching a man the gospel. He asked about my feelings on the policy statements. I was honest and told him I was unsettled about them. He felt the same way and later shared that my [honesty] was key to his decision to continue investigating the Church; he felt he didn’t need to have a perfect understanding or testimony of every aspect of the Church. I also believe his respect for and trust in me increased because I was honest . . . . I [later] had the honor of performing his baptism” (Listen, Learn and Love, 9). Children too will respect your age-appropriate honest thinking when they’re ready to hear it.
Carol Lynn Pearson’s picture book “I’ll Walk With You,” based on her Primary song by the same name (Children’s Songbook, 140), has several additional verses, including:
“If you don’t love as some people do,
Some people think your love’s not true.
But I won’t, I won’t!”
We’ll close with Jesus’ own words: “For I have given you an example, that ye should do as I have done to you” (John 13:15).
“He inviteth them all to come unto him and partake of his goodness; and he denieth none that come unto him, black and white, bond and free, male and female; and he remembereth the heathen; and all are alike unto God, both Jew and Gentile” (2 Nephi 26:33) . . . and gay/straight, and everything in between.
As always, it comes down to loving as Jesus loved.
-Marci McPhee
Thanks to Timothy D. for his contributions to this piece.
More resources:
· Videos for parents about how to teach their children about healthy sexuality and pornography prevention: “Family Conversations: Talking About Healthy Sexuality,” a series of 16 short (3-5 minute) videos with transcripts, by Dr. Jill Manning and Dr. Jason Carroll, both BYU professors.
· For more ideas on what to say and what not to say to families with a gender creative family member, see “What words are hurtful vs. helpful to LGBTQ people and their families? from the free book GayLDSCrossroads, which Marci had the honor of editing.
· Gospel Topics “Same Sex Attraction”
· Church Newsroom “Same Sex Attraction”
· “How to talk to children about LGBTQ Topics” from by Amber Leventry: https://www.scarymommy.com/talk-to-kids-lgbtq-topics/
· More materials for teaching children in the home about healthy sexuality and pornography prevention, also written by Marci McPhee with others: PrimaryinZion.wordpress.com
Download the full PDF here (6 pages), or watch for the other posts coming in the next several weeks.