Imagine: Being straight on a lifelong gay cruise

Next in our “Imagine” series! At times it is hard for straight cisgender folks to understand the LGBTQ world, but on this blog we’re lifting up insights that make it easier. Today’s guest author is one of the many gay Latter-day Saints quoted in Richard Ostler’s book Listen, Learn, & Love.

"I wish to urge upon the Saints . . . to understand men and women as they are, and not understand them as you are" (Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses 8:37, April 6, 1860, emphasis added).

I always appreciate when people ask me sincere questions about LGBTQ+ and SSA (same-sex attraction) topics. I’m often asked the following question by straight people who are trying to understand better: “Why do LGBTQ+ people feel like they have to label themselves, ‘come out,’ or talk about their experience with sexuality? I mean, I don’t go around talking about my sexuality all the time.”

There are many ways to respond to this question, but sometimes I use the following metaphor (let’s just say I’m sharing this metaphor with a straight man):

Okay, imagine that you wanted to get away . . . just take a vacation by yourself. You decide to go on a ten-day cruise. You forget to read the fine print, and you discover shortly after leaving port that you are, in fact, on a gay cruise. Wonderful married gay couples, dating couples, and single gay people are everywhere, and they’re having a great time.

Many of these people see that you’re by yourself and come and talk with you, and yes, most of the time they assume you’re gay. They ask you if you’re interested in finding a nice guy on the cruise. They ask you about your “type.” They even make assumptions about how you live your life, your interests, goals, political views, and religious beliefs. The group will make jokes about shared experiences. “We’ve all been there,” they’ll say laughing (even though you’ve definitely not been there).

Single gay men keep approaching you and striking up innocent flirtatious conversations; some of them even ask you on dates. The married gay couples around you encourage you to go on these dates because they want you to be as happy as they are. You try to decline without hurting anyone’s feelings, or “outing yourself” [as straight]. You join these wonderful people in all their activities and have a lot of fun with them, but in the back of your mind is the question, “Would my new friends still like me if they knew? How would the fact [that I’m straight] change the relationships?”

You realize how stressful it is when everyone’s assumptions about you, your life, your goals, and your perspective don’t match your actual experience. It would be so nice if they just actually had a full picture of your experience and who you are. You don’t define your whole life by your sexuality, but you begin to realize that it actually informs more of your choices and conversations than you previously thought. All the people around you talk about sexuality more than they probably realize, but being in the majority, they probably don’t realize it.

What do you do?

Perhaps you could say you’re simply not interested in dating right now, but that doesn’t really address all the other assumptions made about your lifestyle, goals, perspective, religious views, etc. Then you realize that the simplest thing to do would probably be to tell them you’re straight (you worry about which label to use).

“Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . don’t throw your sexuality in our face!” they’ll say. “What you do in your bedroom is your business; the world doesn’t need to know your personal stuff.” You’re a little surprised and even offended when they assume you’re talking about your sexuality, goals, and experience is automatically connected to an agenda. “You’re just wanting attention.” What if the married gay couples even assume that you being “out” as a straight man will actually [cause] their children to [become] straight (which would be the worst)? They say that they don’t go broadcasting their sexuality all the time and you think, “Well, yeah. . .. you don’t have to. Everyone assumes you are gay; this whole cruise is designed with the assumption that you’re gay.” Some will even say “You only think you’re straight, you haven’t even really tried being gay . . . you’ll see.”

Some of the gay people would say, “Oh, we ‘still’ love you; this doesn’t change anything.” And then they proceed to talk about gay things, rarely taking time to ask you about your experience. The lesbians on board find out you’re a straight man, and they assume you’re attracted to all of them, you know, because they’re women.

And, of course, there would be many . . . gay people who would be great about your coming out as straight (or opposite-sex attracted . . . your choice). They’d apologize about some of the assumptions they made, and they would be excited to learn more about your life, your perspective, and your goals. They would ask if there was anything they could do to make your cruise more comfortable. You don’t talk exclusively about sexuality with them, but when it seems pertinent, you feel comfortable talking about it. Awesome.

Once in a while you get a little tired of navigating false assumptions or explaining your sexuality to people, so you think it could be nice to find some other straight people on the cruise to connect with. The “whoa, whoa, whoa-ers” are pretty critical of this decision. They assume you are just looking for other straight people so that you can have sex and showcase your relationship. When you’re with your straight friends, the gay majority on the boat can’t help but notice, observe, and even comment. Part of you wonders if there are other straight people around you who are keeping quiet, feeling a little lonely. You talk about your sexuality a little more, just in case it could help a “closeted” straight person feel less alone and know where they could find some empathy.

You wonder if it would have been easier just to continue to pretend you’re gay. But you remember how frustrating it was to have so many false assumptions made about you, to be set up on dates, to be hit on, and to feel like the people around you didn’t see the whole picture of your life (including sexuality). . . . it can be really lonely. Thank heaven for the cool gay people on the cruise who are okay with you being straight (and talking about it).

The End.

This metaphor is clearly imperfect and has a lot of holes, but hopefully it was a little thought provoking, and maybe it gives a little insight about why some people come out. . . . There are also many reasons why someone may choose not to talk about their sexuality, and that’s fine too. I have generally noticed that people become a lot healthier when they can talk to people about their complete experience.

From Listen, Learn and Love, Richard Ostler, 135-138. Used with permission.

"There never seems to be a polite way of saying, 'Look, the problem isn't me. It's your inability to greet me as I am instead of how you want me to be” (Blaire Ostler, Listen, Learn and Love, Richard Ostler, 157).

Also in our “Imagine” series: Understanding heterosexual privilege, by Kim Crump